Quick to Apologize

It's been a while since I blogged. My sincerest apologies.

Speaking of apologies... Last winter I learned an important lesson about the power of apologizing that I've been thinking about lately. I had been carrying an attitude towards some (one) of my coworkers that, when stressed, was being manifest in a tone of voice unfitting for a child of God. I was already aware of the problem but felt stuck on how to get out of it since, unfortunately, it had become a pattern and an expected norm and, by the world's standards, was even justified at times.

Through a friend (not yet a believer) the Holy Spirit convicted me of the way I was speaking. We had also been talking at SOTW about cleaning up the messes we make. ("It's okay to make a mess as long as you fully clean it up." That is, make it right with every person the mess touched. The faster you catch a mess and clean it up, the smaller the distance it will spread and the less clean up you have to do.) Anyways, I knew I wanted to make it right but for whatever reason wasn't sure how to change the pattern of behaviour. It seems pretty obvious now, but I am convinced it was a Holy Spirit moment of inspiration when I realized all I needed to do was apologize. And I needed to apologize publicly to the whole team (everyone who had been touched by the mess.)

I have to say it took a little bit of courage to make the apology to the team but I did it. Once the Spirit shows you how to walk, it's pretty difficult/stupid not to follow. The result is incredible when I think about how the way relationships that were once strained are now bearing fruit.

Anyways. All this is to say I learned a lesson about how quickly a simple "I'm sorry for..." can turn a situation. Sometimes that's all you need from someone - an acknowledgement that they missed it and they want to make it right. I vowed to become someone known for being quick to apologize. I want to become faster and faster at recognizing when I am wrong and saying something about it. I'm not talking about the Canadian "Sorry" that we utter at the most ridiculous situations (e.g. Sorry random chair/couch/tree that I ran into you..)but when it is necessary, genuine heart felt apologies for an attitude that is wrong, or words that were harsh.

I still have lots to learn but I've been remembering this lesson recently and reminding myself of my decision to be a woman who is quick to take responsibility by saying "I'm sorry." Two simple words really can make all the difference.

work

There is something satisfying about working hard and seeing something accomplished as a result. I was thinking a bit about the difference between work and toil today as I helped the McKinnons put new flower beds into their yard.

We were created to work. Work is meant to be satisfying and productive. God created Adam and put him to work tending the garden. He had a job to do with a goal of extending it to the ends of the earth. I imagine Adam worked hard. But he worked hard on the things God had given him to do and in the way God taught him to do it, and therefore it was productive and satisfying. We were not made to toil. Toil is putting in a lot of effort without much result. (Well that is my definition.) This is what the dictionary says about toil: to engage in hard and continuous work; labor arduously. It implies difficulty and pain.

Today we worked hard but the results were satisfying. Now I am ready to rest.

love

A colleague of mine has been trying various online dating sites for the last few months, going on date after date looking for the right guy. Understandably, she is getting tired of going on all these dates just to find she doesn't like him...or he doesn't like her.

In the last few months I have thought a bit about this thing that she, like so many others, is doing: searching for someone to love her. I am thankful that in my life I don't have to do that. I already know the love of God in my life and that is the only love that will ever be able to fully satisfy. God has been showing me that the love one receives from a spouse is simply another channel for his love to flow through. God is love and all love is in him. That means that any love I receive from another person originates in him. And while we all need people who will love us, and I do want a partner one day, I do not have a void in my heart that I am seeking some person to fill.

There is a video series from my childhood called "The Doughnut Man". The theme song from this show has been playing around in my head for several weeks now. It goes like this:

"Life without God's love is like a doughnut 'cause there's a hole in the middle of your heart."

This is the basic message I have been waiting to share with my colleague. I am praying and looking for the right opportunity but so far I haven't had "the in". I have decided to be quite honest about my own life in terms of relationships, dating, etc. recognizing that whatever happens, I know will have walked it out with God and it will be a testimony of Him in my life that is quite practical for her (and the others in the office) and quite different from her own experience.

This colleague is one with whom I didn't hit things off beautifully right from the beginning. I have worked hard at building our relationship. Today I was encouraged. She moved into the same neighbourhood as me a few months ago and so today as I was describing a recent walk to the river, she said "I was thinking that you and I should take a walk to the river sometime." This was a bit unexpected but I was encouraged by it because to me it is a sign that, to some extent anyways, I have won her trust and she is ready to talk about something...


Lord prepare her heart to receive you. May she become increasingly uncomfortable with the way she is currently living her life so that she recognizes her need for your love.

grounded

In the last few weeks, for a variety of probable reasons, my body has been telling me I am anxious even though I don't find I am actively "worrying" about anything. I've had trouble sleeping, my stomach has been upset, etc. It has felt like I was unstable. Not emotionally unstable, but just like my feet weren't firmly planted on anything solid. The peace that grounds you when circumstances swirl seemed to be absent from my life.

Anyways. Last night, this verse came to me and it is what I am going to be thinking about today:

"For this this reason I bow my knees before the Father...that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith - that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." (Eph 3:14-19)

I am rooted and grounded in love.

weird

Last Sunday during the meeting, Todd Pulisfer said something that stuck with me all week. It wasn't directly related to the message, but I'm glad he threw it in there:

"They already think you are weird, why not start acting like it?"

I don't like to be considered weird. I have gone to great lengths to demonstrate how normal I am. It's just that...well, it's not working.

This week at Chapters I picked up a little book in the 'Christianity' section called "Weird". It challenges this very notion of trying to be normal when Jesus and the Kingdom He preached are anything but ordinary.

I don't know how weird "they" think I am. (For me "they" is primarily those I work with who see me close up day after day.) Likely, they know I am different, but they don't know the specifics of what that means in my life. What I want is for them to not just think I am strange, but to notice the weirdness and find it attractive. I want them to see my life is different from theirs but in a positive way. Attractively weird, if you will.

So I am just starting, but this week I talked about some personal things I wouldn't normally...things I am walking through that are "normal" things, that I know I will walk through differently than they would simply because of the work Christ has already done in me. I will try to talk about how I make decisions, what I do with my time, etc.

I guess they will go on thinking I am strange unless I show proof of something alternative.

anxious

Anxious about a delicate conversation I need to have today that I would rather not. A friend counselled me to "resist every urge to be nice and just be clear". Boo.

God, thank you for your peace and for your love. Thank you that my identity is secure in you. I have nothing to be afraid of because I am perfectly loved by you.

update

The little guy mentioned in the previous post passed away last night. Today I found out he was the third of a set of quadruplets to pass. One remains (healthy). I can't quite imagine what that does to a family... so if you think of them, please continue to pray.

I am asking God to make this situation into one that turns those involved to Him. I will also seek to show the love of God to Angela in practical ways.

These things are not right. They should not happen.

please pray

Please pray for the nephew of a girl I work with. He is 18 months old and dying of cancer. He is expected to die in the next few days. When I told my friend, Angela, that I would be praying, she asked me to pray that he will die soon.

I just can't do that. Instead, please pray that there is a miraculous healing and life restored to that family.

thanks.

history of grace

At ANC Ottawa, we have been talking a lot about grace. I am still asking God to really get this into me. We have also had a number of evangelists around, who are doing their thing, stirring up and equipping the body to evangelize.

These two things combined for me last week, when Orlando was teaching our life group, in detail, about how to plant a house church (Cuban style). The question came up about those who are gifted as evangelists (and those who are not!) This is how he responded:

Every one of us has a responsibility to share our history of grace in a really natural way with the people we interact with everyday. Some people also have a gift of evangelism, or a ministry of evangelism...

It could be how it came across in translation, but I like the way he phrased it. Each of us has a responsibility to share our "history of grace". That is, our story about the grace of God in our lives.

Trent Anderson preached yesterday about the implications of a grace-based Kingdom (as opposed to the kingdom of the world which is performance-based). One of the implications is that the grace we find in Jesus Christ is our power and our strength (2 Tim 2:1). Trent pointed out that our power, as Christians, is not based on our gifts. It is not based on what we have done. It is based only on His grace. This is what will change situations and lives - when we rely on the power of grace in our lives.

like a child

Today I had the pleasure of holding the lovely little Heather during worship. I think Heather is about three... She is a little girl with big insight...at times I have even found that she will say something in a particular way that seems to have a prophetic edge. So today I was worshiping and she was all snuggled up in my arms. Every once in a while she'd ask a question (what's on your arm, why are you wearing earrings, etc.) At one point during worship I began to pray in tongues...pretty normal. When I finished, Heather asked "How did you learn that?". I was impressed at this question from such a young kid. I told her it was a language that Jesus gave me. She was persistent - she asked three or four times. It struck me that tongues is a powerful and wonderful gift that is clearly of God. Even a three year old can tell that it is something special. Different. It reminded me of this verse:

"Thus tongues are a sign, not for believers but for unbelievers..."
(1 Cor 14:22)

It also reminded me of when Tony Ling described waking up to hear a foreign army in the streets. People will know a new Kingdom has arrived when they hear us speaking in the language of that Kingdom.

things to remember every day

In January, Steve Wilkins preached on several things to do every day. I used what he taught to form the basis of a "cheat sheet" that I used every morning for a while. It is not overly profound but contains some simple (important) truth. I haven't been using it quite as regularly because much of it got ingrained in me and my daily routine changed. However I think I might start again, because it was a helpful habit.

Today someone in the church remembered that I had done this, and asked me to share a copy with her. I thought I would share it a bit wider in case it will be of help to anyone else. There are a few personal bits in there that should probably change, but if it can be of use to you, feel free to make it your own. (Note that the format is a little bit off...)

Here it is:


Day by Day with You. Ps 92, Php 4:13

* Remember the things God did yesterday. Thank him. Who can I tell? (Ps 105:1)

* Thank Him (Praise) for:

- another day
- a wonderful apartment
- a family who loves me
- my job
- the opportunity for SOTW
- who He is (good, loving, faithful, generous,…)
- What He has done (saved me, HS, new life,restored joy …)
-
-

* Remember that today I choose to:
- Die: It is not all about me. (Gal 2:20, Rom 6:6-7)
- Live: I am alive through the Spirit (Rom 8:11)
- Laugh: It is not so serious. I have been given joy. (Ps 16:11, 2 Cor 3:17, Rom 14:17)

* Thank you God that you give me everything I need for TODAY:
- Mercy (Lam 3:22)
- Grace and Sufficiency (2 Cor 9:8, 12:9)
- Power and Strength (Ps 68:35)
- Self Control (2 Tim 1:7)
- Steadfast love that lasts all day (Ps 52:1 ESV, Ps 90:14)
-Salvation (Ps 68:19)
- Acceptance: I am perfectly loved. I have nothing to fear. (1 John 4:18)
- Love for others (1 Thess 4: 9, 1 John 3:18, 1 Thes 5:11) Is there anyone specifically you want to love-on today, Lord? Is there anyone who you would like to encourage through me?

*Thank you that you hear me when I pray (1 John 5:14-15) I also want to pray for:
- people from school
- people at work
- my family
- Allison and Isak
- other couples
- friends
- my husband
- our leaders (church, government, world)
- Christians facing persecution
- Cuba
-
-

*As I read your word, please teach me, shape me, reveal Jesus to me.

God I give you all of me. All of my day. I love you. I need you. I can’t do it on my own. I want to be in step with your Spirit and full of your life everywhere I go. Give me wisdom. Direct my steps. Help me to discern truth and speak things that are helpful for building others up. Show me the things of Heaven and help me bring them to earth today. Thank you, Lord.

sharing life

In Ottawa we have had the privilege of hosting Rafael's friend, Orlando, from Cuba. Orlando was an architect who gave it up to see people saved (and plant churches). He has been equipping the body here to get out to the streets and share the good news of Christ by teaching at Sunday meetings and in the life groups. Our life group in particular has spent several evenings with Orlando - teaching, praying, and getting out on the streets.

One thing I love most about this is that our relationship with the church in Cuba has now started to be reciprocal. We have talked as a board for the "Share Life Without Borders" NGO about to establish this reciprocal type relationship with people that we are helping so as to avoid the mentality that we can help you, but you have nothing to offer to us.

When we go into Cuba to teach and equip, it is always obvious to me that, while there are things we carry a revelation on that we can share to benefit those we meet, there are areas where they are way ahead of us... Right now, in Ottawa, we are benefiting from the things that God has already shown them. Fabulous!

stormy

So..tonight I went for a walk to the river. Just as I was getting to the park,about 30 minutes from home, I noticed it starting to get a bit dark and thought a storm might be blowing in. My first clue should have been the bugs fleeing for cover but I thought I could get a few minutes at the river before it rained.

I wasn't sitting more than 2 minutes when it got really dark and quite windy. The rain started and I moved over a bit closer to where I hoped trees might shelter me. I thought it might be kind of fun to watch the storm - I didn't mind getting wet. (It was supposed to feel like 40 degrees Celsius today, don't know if it got that hot, but it was pretty warm...). Some older guys were there too. One moved down to sit beside me. He offered me a cigarette and I declined. He was asking questions and making me a little uncomfortable, but I thought I could handle it - maybe he needed to meet Jesus?

There were small branches whipping past my head. The guy beside me offered that we could go and sit in his car. This plus the debris flying past me was enough for wisdom to kick in and say "abort mission". Thankfully the lovely Wilkins porch was not too far away and I was able to get to shelter with just a few glances from curious neighbours. Apparently the wind was strong enough to collapse the main stage at Bluesfest (a big music festival in Ottawa) so it is probably good that I didn't try to wait it out.

So that's all. No moral of the story...just a random thing that happened today.

refreshing

Man.. I'm tired. Planning a wedding is a lot of work! We have less than a week to go before Allison and Isak's big day. Honestly, things are in good shape, there are just some final details to get in place and a huge logistical co-ordination exercise to make sure everyone is where they need to be with the right tools at the right time to pull it all off. But things didn't get to this place without a lot of time and energy going in to them. I have been eating, breathing, and sleeping wedding for a few weeks now, plus it seems those "extra" things I agreed to at one point all happen at the same time! (exams for work, board meetings, helping people who are away, etc.).

Really I've been doing well. But this morning, it all just sort of hit and I was GRUMPY- tired and caught up in the emotion of other people's transitions, as well as my own.

But this is not the point. The point is that God is so good and His presence is so sweet. The ANC Ottawa body came together this morning, and God showed up, as He always does. As we worshiped, I completely forgot about being tired and found myself genuinely caught up by the resurrection life He gives - dancing and singing and grinning and jumping and worshiping the one who restores and refreshes my soul. It is like jumping in cold water on a hot day. God you are so good to me.

joy and peace

I realized that I am getting faster at recognizing the presence and absence of joy and peace in my life...hallmarks of the Kingdom (Rom 14:17). When I notice these gifts are present, I have found myself excited that the Kingdom of God is tangible in my life. When I notice the absence of peace or joy, I have been getting faster at asking God what the lack of peace is about and then either telling it to go or dealing with the root.

Just as I am typing this, I am realizing that this is the working out in my life of a prophetic word I shared at ANC Ottawa a few weeks ago. For me, I thought the way God got my attention to share the word was cool and new, but I didn't see the immediate application in my own life at the time. The word was essentially this:

"For those who feel they are at a crossroad - there may be two paths to choose from or multiple ways to go - the way forward is in the Holy Spirit. And I have put signs posts to mark the way: peace and joy. So look for the peace, and go that way. Look for the joy, and go to it."

Thank you Jesus for your peace and joy that you give freely to us.

wedding prep

My roommate/best friend is getting married in 17 days (not that we're counting...) so wedding prep is in full swing at our house. I have become the unofficial wedding planner so we have lists, seating arrangements, decorations, favours, flowers, song selections and all those things well underway.

I have one friend who doesn't believe in/agree with weddings. I don't think she means marriage...she actually means weddings. She thinks it is a big waste of money and a ton of work for one day. She has a point...however, I am realizing that I think weddings are actually a big deal. The couple is making a commitment that is worth celebrating in a way that reflects the big-ness of it all.

God is in the business of planning a wedding, therefore, so are we. We are actually playing a critical role in the wedding prep because we are going to be the Bride! Today I asked God about how His wedding preparations are going. He reassured me that progress is being made - preparations are underway. I asked if He would show me what the Bride will look like and He said "not yet". I don't know what the church will look like in the end, but I know she is getting ready. Jesus, the bridegroom, is already ready and is waiting for when His church is ready and says, with His Spirit, "come". In reality, it is Christ who is preparing His church... but we can play an active role. I seek to see the Church unified and sparkling - glorious without blemish or wrinkle. I believe that the feast at Christ's wedding will be a huge one and the party will be pretty amazing. I can't wait to participate!


Weddings reflect something of God's bigger purpose, so in my opinion, they are worth doing right. To me, it is worth the effort to throw an excellent party that reflects that bigger purpose, honours the bride and groom, their families and their guests and respects the resources God has entrusted to us.

This is what I will be thinking about while I'm tying ribbons and cutting out place cards.

caution: slippery

Lately I have been walking lots...and dipping my feet in the river whenever possible. (These will have to be a different post..) The river is about half way between my house and my office, but the bridge is several blocks down so it takes me a bit out of my way. Sometimes, when the river is low enough, it is possible to walk across the river on some rocks that create the top of a tiny little waterfall.

I have walked across the river a few times on my way to work. It cuts off at least 10 -15 minutes. Today, I stepped into the river and noticed it was a bit slipperier than normal. But after wading around for a minute or so, I decided it was okay to cross. On my way across I noticed the slipperiest places were where the water wasn't moving as fast across the rocks and algae had been able to grow thicker. I had to grip the rocks well with my toes so that I wouldn't fall. It was just as I was about to reach the far shore that suddenly my grip wasn't good enough and I slipped and fell into the river. Thankfully, I wasn't wearing my work clothes and my backpack and purse didn't actually get very wet... but from the clothes I was wearing, it was certainly clear I had been for a swim!

On my way across the river, the Lord spoke to me about how important it is that we stand firmly on The Rock - Jesus. He is our foundation and the only solid thing in life. We will be most secure when we are standing where the river is flowing - we need the life of the Holy Spirit to be flowing in our lives, otherwise things get stagnant and that's when there is a danger of slipping, losing our footing or falling down.

royalty

There is nothing overly spiritual or deep about this post. Yesterday William and Kate arrived in Ottawa and a colleague and I walked the few blocks up to the war memorial to catch a glance. We arrived probably only 45 minutes before they were scheduled to arrive (at 2:30) and the place was packed. People had started arriving at 5 a.m. to get front row "seats". However, we did manage to find a little place with a surprisingly good view. I had no idea it would be so exciting to see them, but I was giddy. They drove up and waved from the car and everybody screamed. They got out and did their thing... our best view was of them coming back and getting in the car. I have a few okay pictures/videos that I will try to get up... I missed the best video, though I thought it was recording, it wasn't. But that's okay - what a fantastic memory that I will have for a long time.

growing

I used to be terrible at caring for plants. I would let them go for weeks or even months without watering them until it was really too late to save them. A few weeks ago I planted some herbs in my kitchen window: mint, basil, and cilantro. Tonight I was so excited to see them just taking off. Soon I will be able to use them in my cooking!

I've been diligently watering those little herbs and the growing assortment of other plants around the apartment because I've realized that if I am too busy to care for some little plants, I am probably also too busy to properly care for myself and my relationship with Christ, never mind other people. The health of the plants is an indicator of the health of my spirit... so I am thrilled to see those little guys are thriving!

fresh bread

Last night the Lord reminded me that you can't live on stale bread. Even bread that was once fresh becomes stale and then moldy in a short amount of time. We are meant to live on fresh bread - a new word, a fresh revelation. When someone asks about what God is doing in my life, I want to be able to share fresh bread and not the left overs from last week. If my stories haven't changed in a few days, it is a signal to me to get in the Word and to spend time with the Holy Spirit. He is eager to share fresh bread with me.

little things add up

Lots happens during the "every day" that doesn't often get shared in those catch-up-on-the-last-three-weeks kinda chats. So I thought I'd start this space as a semi-public place to record some of those little things that happen. Little things over time add up to big things.

It's semi-public because I'm not going to publicize this to the whole world...just to a select group to start. I would be happy to engage in conversations about the things that may end up posted here and to hear about the little things that are happening in your life too.

Cheers!
Megan