Quick to Apologize

It's been a while since I blogged. My sincerest apologies.

Speaking of apologies... Last winter I learned an important lesson about the power of apologizing that I've been thinking about lately. I had been carrying an attitude towards some (one) of my coworkers that, when stressed, was being manifest in a tone of voice unfitting for a child of God. I was already aware of the problem but felt stuck on how to get out of it since, unfortunately, it had become a pattern and an expected norm and, by the world's standards, was even justified at times.

Through a friend (not yet a believer) the Holy Spirit convicted me of the way I was speaking. We had also been talking at SOTW about cleaning up the messes we make. ("It's okay to make a mess as long as you fully clean it up." That is, make it right with every person the mess touched. The faster you catch a mess and clean it up, the smaller the distance it will spread and the less clean up you have to do.) Anyways, I knew I wanted to make it right but for whatever reason wasn't sure how to change the pattern of behaviour. It seems pretty obvious now, but I am convinced it was a Holy Spirit moment of inspiration when I realized all I needed to do was apologize. And I needed to apologize publicly to the whole team (everyone who had been touched by the mess.)

I have to say it took a little bit of courage to make the apology to the team but I did it. Once the Spirit shows you how to walk, it's pretty difficult/stupid not to follow. The result is incredible when I think about how the way relationships that were once strained are now bearing fruit.

Anyways. All this is to say I learned a lesson about how quickly a simple "I'm sorry for..." can turn a situation. Sometimes that's all you need from someone - an acknowledgement that they missed it and they want to make it right. I vowed to become someone known for being quick to apologize. I want to become faster and faster at recognizing when I am wrong and saying something about it. I'm not talking about the Canadian "Sorry" that we utter at the most ridiculous situations (e.g. Sorry random chair/couch/tree that I ran into you..)but when it is necessary, genuine heart felt apologies for an attitude that is wrong, or words that were harsh.

I still have lots to learn but I've been remembering this lesson recently and reminding myself of my decision to be a woman who is quick to take responsibility by saying "I'm sorry." Two simple words really can make all the difference.

work

There is something satisfying about working hard and seeing something accomplished as a result. I was thinking a bit about the difference between work and toil today as I helped the McKinnons put new flower beds into their yard.

We were created to work. Work is meant to be satisfying and productive. God created Adam and put him to work tending the garden. He had a job to do with a goal of extending it to the ends of the earth. I imagine Adam worked hard. But he worked hard on the things God had given him to do and in the way God taught him to do it, and therefore it was productive and satisfying. We were not made to toil. Toil is putting in a lot of effort without much result. (Well that is my definition.) This is what the dictionary says about toil: to engage in hard and continuous work; labor arduously. It implies difficulty and pain.

Today we worked hard but the results were satisfying. Now I am ready to rest.

love

A colleague of mine has been trying various online dating sites for the last few months, going on date after date looking for the right guy. Understandably, she is getting tired of going on all these dates just to find she doesn't like him...or he doesn't like her.

In the last few months I have thought a bit about this thing that she, like so many others, is doing: searching for someone to love her. I am thankful that in my life I don't have to do that. I already know the love of God in my life and that is the only love that will ever be able to fully satisfy. God has been showing me that the love one receives from a spouse is simply another channel for his love to flow through. God is love and all love is in him. That means that any love I receive from another person originates in him. And while we all need people who will love us, and I do want a partner one day, I do not have a void in my heart that I am seeking some person to fill.

There is a video series from my childhood called "The Doughnut Man". The theme song from this show has been playing around in my head for several weeks now. It goes like this:

"Life without God's love is like a doughnut 'cause there's a hole in the middle of your heart."

This is the basic message I have been waiting to share with my colleague. I am praying and looking for the right opportunity but so far I haven't had "the in". I have decided to be quite honest about my own life in terms of relationships, dating, etc. recognizing that whatever happens, I know will have walked it out with God and it will be a testimony of Him in my life that is quite practical for her (and the others in the office) and quite different from her own experience.

This colleague is one with whom I didn't hit things off beautifully right from the beginning. I have worked hard at building our relationship. Today I was encouraged. She moved into the same neighbourhood as me a few months ago and so today as I was describing a recent walk to the river, she said "I was thinking that you and I should take a walk to the river sometime." This was a bit unexpected but I was encouraged by it because to me it is a sign that, to some extent anyways, I have won her trust and she is ready to talk about something...


Lord prepare her heart to receive you. May she become increasingly uncomfortable with the way she is currently living her life so that she recognizes her need for your love.

grounded

In the last few weeks, for a variety of probable reasons, my body has been telling me I am anxious even though I don't find I am actively "worrying" about anything. I've had trouble sleeping, my stomach has been upset, etc. It has felt like I was unstable. Not emotionally unstable, but just like my feet weren't firmly planted on anything solid. The peace that grounds you when circumstances swirl seemed to be absent from my life.

Anyways. Last night, this verse came to me and it is what I am going to be thinking about today:

"For this this reason I bow my knees before the Father...that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith - that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." (Eph 3:14-19)

I am rooted and grounded in love.

weird

Last Sunday during the meeting, Todd Pulisfer said something that stuck with me all week. It wasn't directly related to the message, but I'm glad he threw it in there:

"They already think you are weird, why not start acting like it?"

I don't like to be considered weird. I have gone to great lengths to demonstrate how normal I am. It's just that...well, it's not working.

This week at Chapters I picked up a little book in the 'Christianity' section called "Weird". It challenges this very notion of trying to be normal when Jesus and the Kingdom He preached are anything but ordinary.

I don't know how weird "they" think I am. (For me "they" is primarily those I work with who see me close up day after day.) Likely, they know I am different, but they don't know the specifics of what that means in my life. What I want is for them to not just think I am strange, but to notice the weirdness and find it attractive. I want them to see my life is different from theirs but in a positive way. Attractively weird, if you will.

So I am just starting, but this week I talked about some personal things I wouldn't normally...things I am walking through that are "normal" things, that I know I will walk through differently than they would simply because of the work Christ has already done in me. I will try to talk about how I make decisions, what I do with my time, etc.

I guess they will go on thinking I am strange unless I show proof of something alternative.

anxious

Anxious about a delicate conversation I need to have today that I would rather not. A friend counselled me to "resist every urge to be nice and just be clear". Boo.

God, thank you for your peace and for your love. Thank you that my identity is secure in you. I have nothing to be afraid of because I am perfectly loved by you.

update

The little guy mentioned in the previous post passed away last night. Today I found out he was the third of a set of quadruplets to pass. One remains (healthy). I can't quite imagine what that does to a family... so if you think of them, please continue to pray.

I am asking God to make this situation into one that turns those involved to Him. I will also seek to show the love of God to Angela in practical ways.

These things are not right. They should not happen.